The dialogue below is not my work, but taken from the blog What Would Lizzie Bennet Do?
After Margaret Hale rejects the ardent and smoldering Mr Thornton, our Liz Bennet, the newly wedded Mrs Elizabeth Darcy takes her to hand and imparts a few life lessons.
Margaret Hale, I’d like you to meet Lizzie Bennet.
MH: But he is North and I am South! He is in trade and I am genteel! He beats down his workers and I watch him beat them down in pretty, dewy-eyed horror! His features are pointy and mine are misty like a Hallmark card or a Doris Day movie!
LB: Look. He is not hiding anything. He’s straight up. He hasn’t badmouthed your sister to her boyfriend, effectively breaking them up…
MH: But I don’t even have a sis…
LB: It’s a metaphor, OK? Let it go.
MH: Well, OK, but …(whispers) lust? Are you sure?
LB: Hello, where are you? Have you seen this guy? Have you not read the description in the book? Did you not watch the BBC miniseries? He’s off-the-hook! You parsons’ daughters lace your corsets too damned tight. It’s cutting off the circulation.
MH: But he’s always grouchy and angry!
LB: He’s grouchy and angry because it’s the Victorian era and nobody is getting laid regularly. It’s a national dry spell. A celibacy epidemic. Haven’t you noticed that nobody is smiling?
MH: Well, you seem pretty happy.
LB: Honey, have you met my husband? Listen. All any of these Brooding 19thCentury Literary Men need is the love of a good woman and a regular income without actually having to put their shoulders to the wheel. It’s all in the book. You can skip entire tortured chapters of both of your lives if you trust your author. You can skip the deaths of both of your parents …
LB: I know I know. It sucks but what are you going to do? The good news is that Mr. Bell leaves you so much money you can basically throw it at Mr. Thornton when his mill fails and he faces bankruptcy. You get to be The Plucky Heroine! That’s cool, right?
MH: I…I’d make a good Plucky Heroine…
LB: Right! And remember when your mom told you about The Facts of Life? About shutting your eyes and thinking of England?
LB: Let’s just say I am pretty sure you won’t be thinking of England.
I found this blog a long time ago and have followed it on and off for a while. This particular post was actually the first time I read this blogger’s work. I liked her humour a lot but unfortunately she hasn’t updated the site in almost two years now.
There was another site, the one that originally nudged me towards this post. It was a North & South fan site ‘foolish passions’ that I can no longer find. On my previous blog I had pasted the links to both this page and another where Darcy and Mr Thornton have a shorter but equally funny exchange. Unfortunately that work is now lost to us.
So I posted the snippet above more to preserve it than for any other purpose. While I dislike most derivative works of these two classics, the occasional humorous poke at the characters is just plain funny. I’ll see if I can find some new ones. 😀